✦ OPEN TO WORK ✦ PROFESSIONALLY BETWEEN OPPORTUNITIES ✦ FULLY AVAILABLE 24/7 ✦ EXPERT IN LINKEDIN OPTIMISATION ✦ WILL WORK FOR SNACKS ✦ OPEN TO WORK ✦ PROFESSIONALLY BETWEEN OPPORTUNITIES ✦ FULLY AVAILABLE 24/7 ✦ EXPERT IN LINKEDIN OPTIMISATION ✦ WILL WORK FOR SNACKS
Portfolio 2025 — Edition: Desperate

Employed
Enthusias­tically
Available

A curated chronicle of ambition, setbacks,
and unfulfilled LinkedIn promises.

Available immediately — like, right now — please
0
847 Applications sent
3 Callbacks received
∞ Coffees consumed
0.4% Response rate
01 /

Experience

Jan 2025 — Present
Professional Job Seeker
Self-Employed (Reluctantly)
Sending 15+ tailored cover letters weekly into a void that occasionally auto-replies. Mastered the art of refreshing job boards at 2am. Became intimately familiar with the phrase "we've decided to move forward with other candidates."
Current Role
Ongoing
2022 — 2024
Senior Something-or-Other
A Company That Did Layoffs
Contributed meaningfully to quarterly objectives and cross-functional synergies. Was told the role was "not eliminated, just restructured" approximately 10 minutes before it was eliminated.
Laid Off
Ended
Summer 2019
Intern (Unpaid)
Prestigious-Sounding Agency
Made coffee. Reorganised the supply cupboard. Was invited to "shadowing opportunities" which turned out to be watching someone else do their actual job. Received a certificate of completion and no job offer.
Character Building
Seasonal
02 /

Core Competencies

Professional

Tailoring Cover Letters
Being "A Fast Learner"
Team Collaboration
Strategic Pivoting
Salary Negotiation

Unemployment

Midday Napping
LinkedIn Doom-Scrolling
Explaining the Gap
Budget Cooking
Existential Resilience

Technical

Microsoft Office (Advanced)
Zoom Background Selection
PDF Formatting
Indeed / Glassdoor
Crying Professionally
03 /

References

"A real go-getter. Honestly surprised they haven't been snapped up yet. Must be the market."
— Former Manager, LinkedIn Connection #312
"We were so impressed with their application. Unfortunately we went in a different direction. Best of luck."
— HR Bot, Faceless Corporation Inc.
"They show up on time. Every time. To every interview. Including the ones that ghosted them."
— Their Mum, Unsolicited Reference

Let's Make
Something
Official

I come with my own laptop, a positive attitude that is 60% genuine, and an extremely practised handshake. Interviews available 24/7 — I have nowhere else to be.

Hire Me. Please.